When Feelings Say 'Stay Home': Choosing What Matters Most

This morning my 7 year old woke up declaring “I want to stay home! I don’t want to go to school! I feel yucky”. She has a slight cold, it’s Monday, it was grey and cloudy, she was safely snuggled in her cosy bed, and her bed is one of her safe spaces.

I took a breath, and thought about how I wanted to respond. I could have easily said “You have to go to school. Staying home is not an option”. And to be fair, I could have let her stay home but like most parents, I knew that within 15 minutes she would be running around the house with the yucky feelings long forgotten, although the runny nose would have been ever present.

|Instead, I thought about my choice point and how I wanted to show up for her in that moment. I completely understood her feelings! I too wanted to stay in bed on this grey, dark, cloudy morning. Sometimes I also wake up on the wrong side of the bed - I’m human, just like her! And I reflected on what motivated me - the meaningful activities like driving my girls to school, giving them a kiss at the school gate, sharing my good wishes for their day, working with my clients who chose to work with me, and seeing all their school work at the book share this afternoon.

So here’s how I chose to respond and the small steps I took:

✨ Breathing
Doing this activates the parasympathetic nervous system ("rest and digest" mode), which naturally counteracts the sympathetic nervous system's "fight or flight" response and anchoring me to the present.

✨ Validating her feelings
I said to her “I get it. It’s Monday, it’s dark outside, this cold is making you feel yucky, you have a runny nose, your bed is so cosy and you don’t want to get out of it. There are mornings that I feel that way too and I want to stay in my cosy bed”. It’s okay to experience all of those feelings and it’s important to make room for all these feelings.

✨ Building her emotional resilience
Resilience is “the process and outcome of successfully adapting to difficult or challenging life experiences, especially through mental, emotional, and behavioural flexibility and adjustment to external and internal demands” (APA Dictionary of Psychology).
Rather than letting her stay home or offering empty reassurance, I helped her understand that feelings, like weather, are temporary. When uncomfortable feelings show up, they can feel really BIG and OVERWHELMING, as if they’ll always be present. While avoidance might be easier, it isn’t a long-term solution and can make us miss out on experiences and prevent us from connecting to what matters most.

✨ Taking action when we don’t feel like it
I suggested "Instead of focusing on what we don't want to do, what if we talked about what we DO want to do today?"” I then shared with her the meaningful activities I was really looking forward to including having the opportunity to see all the things she’s been working so hard on at school at her school’s book share, especially her self-portrait she mentioned she made. When she said “I don’t want to play with anyone at lunchtime”, I responded “"It's okay to play alone, and it's also okay if you change your mind later. If you do want to play with someone, then you can play with a friend”.

✨ Moving towards what matters
I asked her “What can I do that would help right now? What do you need?” and she said “A hug”. So I leaned in and gave her the squishiest, warmest hug …. and savoured every second. Living a rich and meaningful life isn't about avoiding difficult thoughts and feelings – it's about choosing to move towards what matters even when those thoughts and feelings join us.

Sometimes staying at home serves us and sometimes it doesn’t. Taking a moment to think about who is the driver’s seat: your feelings or you; and asking yourself “Is this action taking me towards or away what matters to me in this moment?” can help you move from “automatic mode” to “living mode”.